The Salt Taste of War
by L'alouette.blanche
Summary: Antonio is consumed by war, reduced to a feral beast, and it is up to Lovina bring him back from the brink. SpainxFem!Romano. Rated T for violence.
1. Prelude

**Author's Note**: This is the prelude to a scene I wrote about Spain and Fem!Romano. For those of you who haven't read the original, I wanted to show the darker side of Spain, who always seems to be smiling, and to show Romano trying to bring him back from that darkness, since Spain is always there for him (her). After all of the horrors that Spain has committed for God and for power— from the Spanish Inquisition to destroying the Aztecs— he becomes consumed by the guilt and lust for war inherent among humans, and is basically reduced to an animal. For those of you who have read it, I decided to write the lead up to the scene. So, here's how they got to where they were. I would love your feedback. It probably wasn't the best idea to write something backwards like this, so let me know if it doesn't flow right or make sense. And I'll re-upload the ending once this catches up to that point. I know, if you've taken the time to read this, that you're all thinking, "get on with it," so that's it.

**The Salt Taste of War**

Lovina stared out of the window, fingers tracing the warped panes of glass. Her bare legs were tucked up under her against the predawn chill. The sunrise was just setting the hills aflame. Behind her, Antonio shuffled about the room, pulling a shirt over his head. She stared fixedly ahead, unable to turn around.

"You're leaving again." It wasn't a question. Lovina pulled the collared shirt, his shirt, closer about her shoulders. He stopped behind her. She could see his reflection in the window, tying a red ribbon around the hair at the nape of his neck, the same ribbon she'd ripped off with clumsy fingers the night before. It was all crooked, and she wanted to redo it, to run her hands across his neck, to catch her fingers in his hair, to keep him there forever. But she couldn't bring herself to turn around. He leaned forward as he buttoned up his shirt, brushing his lips against her bare neck. His breath made her shiver.

Antonio straightened back up, finishing buttoning his shirt to hide the thin scars zigzagging across his skin. Usually when she was agitated, Lovina waved her arms wildly as she spoke, jabbing at the air. It was when she was quiet like this that anyone had anything to worry about. She blew onto the warped glass and drew patterns with whirling fingers before the mist cleared. Her other hand pulled the collar of her shirt tight against her neck, but he could still see the dull bruises along her shoulder.

He wanted to catch her up, to wrap her up in his arms. But, the bruises on her skin were from his hands. He wanted to throw her down onto the bed, to feel skin on skin, to breathe her in, to hold her and never let go. But he had to leave.

He thought back to the smell of blood, the red world shrouded in ashes, the manic laughter he only later realized was issuing from his own mouth, the shrieks of horses and dying men, the steady rhythm of his halberd back and forth, striking through metal and skin and bone; men reduced to so much raw meat; grasping fingers, gasping mouths, staring eyes. And him, above it all, whirling back and forth, laughing and crying and screaming and killing; his halberd's silver dance through the smoking sky. He could never let her see him like that. He would rather die than have her see what he'd become.

She brushed the dark hair from her face with long fingers, turning away from him so all he could see was the curve of a cheek.

"I'll be back soon." Or not at all, he almost added. She spun around, curls falling messily across her face.

"Why do you have to go, Antonio?" _Am I not good enough? _Those words were left unsaid. _Why? _Because he could never let her cry again. He had to be stronger; he had to protect her, especially from himself. He had to go.

"Because the colonies are all in revolt." _Because I can't ever let anyone hurt you again. _"And I am spreading the word of God." _And I would rather be there when I break than raise a hand against you. _"And they need someone to show them the way into the future." _Because I love you._

"Then let me come with you." She looked up at him with questioning eyes, sitting back on her heels and pressing her palms into her legs.

"No," he snapped, loud enough to make her start visibly. "You'll be safe here," he continued, softer. He picked his red coat off of the floor where he'd thrown it the night before, swinging it over one shoulder. Lovina stared off at the hills again through the foggy glass, a hand clutching at her other arm.

He leaned down again, pressing his lips to her forehead. She didn't look up at him, just stared frozen out the window. Her whole body was rigid. He tried to straighten up, but one of her hands grasped the fabric of his sleeve.

"You have to come back," she whispered, still watching the window. Outside a hawk dropped from the sky, diving after some hapless prey. "You have to come home." Her hand dropped back to her lap, releasing him. He watched her for a moment, then turned on his heels, hands clutched in fists by his side.

She heard him turn to leave, heard the slow click of his heels. She clutched her sleeve to keep from shaking, to keep from running after him and dragging him back. She bit her lip till she tasted blood, waiting to hear the slam of the door. The heels clicks stopped; she was flattened by the silence. They started again, faster this time. Her nails dug into her skin. The door slid shut like a muffled gasp. She heard the distant scraping as he lifted his halberd from the floor, heard the slamming of the main gate. She pressed her forehead against the cold glass and the tears finally came, hot and unbidden, racing down her face.


	2. By Moonlight

2. By Moonlight

The house was empty now, each room filled with velvet and crushing silence. Lovina wandered with bare feet, staring blankly at wheeling motes of dust. She clutched at the wisps of her own clothing, for lack of anything else to hold. She wandered through time, past friezes and tapestries, silent suits of armor, thick oil paintings as large as the wall. Her fingers reached out for heavy velvet drapes, whorls of picture frames, anything solid. She refused to eat, sitting alone at the huge dining table and staring at the empty chairs. She couldn't sleep either, just lay naked on the floor in front of the huge arched window, letting the moonlight blanket her, throwing thick black shadows across bare skin.

She closed her eyes, feeling the peculiar prickle of moonlight on her skin, like the sudden chill once a warm touch has left her skin, like the lacking of something. _Something lost_. She threw an arm across her face to hide the light behind her closed lids. _Where was he now? _She saw the sparks of green framed under dark bangs. She clenched her eyes tighter, trying to strangle out the images. _He left for the war_. There was no use reasoning with herself. She saw the look on his face the day he left, the way his eyes had seemed shadowed, far away. Lost. _War, the only thing he loves more than me_. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to block out those eyes. She could still feel the tingle of his lips against her neck, how his breath had raised goose prickles on her skin. She raked her fingernails over bare skin, digging them into her side just to feel something. Anything was better than this.

And she had just sat there like a statue and let him leave. She had counted his steps down to the foyer with every heave of her heart. She had let herself be caged here again. A cloud passed over the moon and she was in the darkness for once, the blessed darkness.

She counted her own ribs with trailing fingers, pressing her bare spine into the cold wood of the floorboards. She'd never said goodbye. She'd never told him to stay, never told him that he didn't need to protect her anymore. She'd never said that she just wanted to be with him. She would go to Hell with him if he asked. She would rather die with him, sink to the cold depths of the sea with him, burn to ashes in his arms, than lie here alone on the floor of her gilded cage. She'd tried, but the words just got stuck. She was always stuck, frozen in front of him.

And now he was gone, the empty house bearing down around her, and she was tethered here without him. _How do I move without him_? She opened her eyes, watching thin wisps of cloud sail across the pocked face of the moon. _The moon, always paying homage to the sun. She's always chasing after him through the sky, but never catching him. She can never hold him_. Lovina brushed her fingers against the curve of her neck, feeling the tender bruises nestled among her curls. She'd seen the look of pain, of horror on his face at the dull purple on her skin, marks from his hands. _Like craters on the moon. _

_Is that it? Is the sun too afraid to hold her? Does he think he'll burn her with his touch? All this time he's been fighting off all the other stars, keeping their burning trails away from her pale white glow, but he thinks she should really be hiding from him. _Lovina shot up from the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs. Her whole body tingled. _He's off to get himself killed because he can't protect me from himself. I have to go, _she thought to herself.

She jumped to her feet, grabbing a thin linen shirt that was strewn across the headboard and slipping it over her bare shoulders. She pulled on ballooning trousers and pulled up her riding boots around her thighs. She snatched her rapier off of the shelf and buckled it to her hip, feeling its familiar weight against her side. There was only one horse still in the stables, a light gray palfrey she didn't recognize. Her own little bay was nowhere to be seen. _That's fine, I'll ride the moonlight_. She jumped lightly onto its back and spurred the horse forwards through the forest, towards the sunrise, towards him.

* * *

><p>The horse shied at the clearing, nostrils flaring and eyes rimmed in white, ears pressed flat against its head. It pranced side to side under the last shadow of the trees as if it was afraid to step into the parched sunlight. At first Lovina couldn't tell what was terrifying it so. But then she saw the bodies. She had thought it was some strange crop, or broken stones strewn about the empty field. But she saw a flag, like grasping fingers, raking at the harsh blue sky. She saw arms grasping for the horizon, heard a stifled cry in the distance. But it couldn't be. There couldn't be <em>that<em> many bodies. It looked like a spoiled child's room, toys strewn broken across the floor. Those things couldn't have ever been alive, not like that. They couldn't have been human.

The horse whinnied and snorted, pawing at the ground. She spurred it forwards with a light kick, steering it between the bodies. She just had to find him, then it would all be alright. Ahead of them she heard the shriek of a horse as it tried to stand on broken legs. Her own horse bucked in fear, trying to turn left or right, anywhere but further forwards. Its hind legs sank into the muck about them, splashing in rusty drops across its gray flanks. Lovina tried to spur the horse onwards, but the cries of the crippled horse and the smell of blood were sending it into frenzy. She pulled the reins to a halt, drawing out her rapier. The rasp of metal on leather sounded like a horrified gasp. Lovina vaulted out of the saddle, trying not to land on anything that had once been alive. She threw the reins up over the horse's head and smacked its flank with the flat of her blade.

"Run," she screamed as it raced towards the trees, flashing bright white against the field of brown and red. "Don't ever come back." She turned back around, slipping her rapier back into its sheath, and headed forwards over the battlefield. The going was slow, the field reduced to acres of mud, and she kept running into filthy shapes curled on the ground. At first she tried to figure out which side they were on, but they all just looked dead. Most of them didn't even look human anymore, arms at angles, fingers twisted grotesquely back on themselves. She saw a man leaning against a dead horse, frantically trying to stuff his own organs, like shining red worms, inside his stomach as he choked up blood. She saw the horse again, helplessly trying to stand on broken and bloody legs, slipping in the thick mud. A red banner streamed around its neck, fringed in bright gold. But the delicate embroidery was slowly being masked in thick mud as the horse flailed on the ground.

Lovina stumbled over to the creature through the muck. It shrieked as she drew closer, the most human sound she'd heard. It thrashed its head wildly, eyes white, screaming louder as it landed on its crushed legs. She held out her hand unsteadily, edging forwards until her fingers brushed its forehead. The horse quieted under her touch, breathing heavily as she ran her fingers through its mane. It tried to stand again, making it to one wobbly foot before collapsing sideways. Lovina cried out and wrapped her arms around its neck.

"No, please no. You're only hurting yourself." She cried into its thick mane, pressing her face to its forehead. Hot tears raced down her cheeks. "You don't have to fight anymore. You don't have to be afraid." She held its huge head in her hands, brushing over its coarse hair with shaking fingers. A hand made its way to her scabbard. The horse tried to stand again, weaker this time, as it saw her blade flash in the sunlight. "Shh, you're going home" she whispered as she stroked its mane with her other hand. "I'm so sorry." She slid the blade quickly across its throat, one hand still tangled in its mane. It shuddered silently then collapsed to the ground. The greedy earth drank its fill of red.

* * *

><p>Lovina wandered onwards till she heard the scraping of steel on steel. She was tempted to flee and head back for the cover of trees. Who knew who she would find alive in this Hell? But her feet drew her forwards, scrambling over mud and bodies until she was running. There, framed against the burning sky, three figures dancing. That was her first thought, a waltz. Two of the figures twirled around the central one, who seemed surrounded by a shining glow. The glow resolved itself into a whirling halberd, flashing by in the setting sun. The two other figures ducked and dodged, slashing half-heartedly at the central man. One had the remains of a shield strapped to his arm, like a broken wing, feathers pointing the wrong way. The other tried a back slash at the central man, who swatted him aside with the butt end of his halberd like he was flicking away a fly. Lovina watched, entranced, as the halberd danced like water through the air, shining and slashing, every movement carefully leading to the next, no motion wasted. The other two seemed clumsy in comparison, hacking wildly, and then dashing back out of range. Surely the axe-wielder could have disposed of them by now, there was no fight left in them. They were just waiting to die. A thought struck her and she shivered. He's playing with them, like a cat with a wounded bird. He doesn't want to end it just yet because after them, there's nothing left for him to fight. <em>Except me<em>.

She clutched the rapier tighter in her hand and turned to run, but was stuck frozen as one man stumbled. The halberd came down in a silver arc against the red sky, and stuck heavily into the man's skull. He spun round, as if turning to her for help, then his arms dropped, limp, to his side. The central figure jerked his halberd sharply and for a second the man on the end of it danced grotesquely before he collapsed to the ground, just another broken toy on the field. The other man raised his sword and bent down, then charged forward. Lovina almost screamed after him to stop, to run away. _No, he wants to die_. The central figure just stood, drew his arm back calmly, and swung his halberd in a wide arc. _Like cutting flowers_. A round object detached itself from the man's body, rolling to his feet, and he followed it to the ground. The remaining figure bent down and wiped his blade off on the dead man's tunic, then rolled him over with his boot. He looked up to the sky, but caught sight of her, framed against the horizon.

Even from that distance she could see the flash of green. Her whole body locked. Her breath caught in her throat. A bright smile spread across his face, white against the blood and mud that stained it. Lovina stood frozen as Antonio advanced towards her over bodies, sky flaming behind him, slowly raising his gleaming halberd.


	3. Last Light

**Author's Note**: Hey look, it actually got finished. That's a first. Well, everybody's finally caught up now. Sorry about the crummy order in which this got uploaded. I'll try not to start things from the middle and work backwards, it really messes everything up. Anyways, this is the edited version of the end that some people already saw. As always, any suggestions are more than welcome. I really came here to see if my writing was worth all the time. I just failed a Calculus quiz because of this. Please let me know if the transitions are too sudden, working backwards makes things difficult. So, I guess that's it. Thanks for your time, and signing out. You all just want me to shut up anyways.

3. Last Light

He bore down on her like a wave, halberd in his hands rising slowly with measured strength, no effort wasted. His bright eyes were fixated on her, the only other thing still standing in this barren field. _He doesn't know me, _she realized with a shudder. _Those eyes, they aren't his. He's gone. _She thought about running, but her feet wouldn't move. _Even now I'm stuck in front of you. _She grasped the rapier in her hand tighter; he had to be in there somewhere.

"Antonio, it's over," she called out, her voice carried shakily by the wind. _I can't even convince myself_. He halted in front of her, only a few feet away, axe blade shining over his shoulder. Her breath caught in her throat. She raised a hand slowly, fingers reaching out to him. "You don't have to fight anymore." They stood for a second as Lovina waited, fighting the urge to run towards him. He tilted his head to one side, eyes narrowing. They still held no warmth. Lovina started with a gasp as the blade whipped by her, close enough to sever some of her dangling curls. For a second she didn't know what to do, the whole world narrowed down to those feverish green eyes, that swinging blade, a flashing red smile as it cut through the air.

"Antonio," she cried out, dodging another backhanded swing of his axe. She heard the rush of air whistle by her head as she ducked and darted, the thin rapier in her hand almost forgotten. What good would it do anyways against something like that? And she could never use it, she realized, never against him. She could feel her knees buckling under her as she hastily dodged backwards across the bloody field, trying to evade bodies out of the corner of her eye.

"Please Antonio, it's me." Her voice was barely a squeak, lost to the sky as she stumbled over a limp arm. She dropped to a knee just in time to miss another swing. He walked forward slowly, in measured paces, shoulders rolling with each swing like the gait of a panther. He had his head down and eyes pointed upwards, bright green shards set alight in his dark hair. Lovina scrambled backwards over bodies, trying not to look down at the glazed eyes and open mouths, flies already dancing a grotesque waltz across their cold skin. Antonio stepped confidently over the bodies, pressing arms and heads into the blood-drenched mud with the heel of his boot. He stared down at her and she froze, like a stalked deer, every muscle in her body clenched. _That's not him, those eyes aren't his_. He leaned in closer, raising the axe above his head.

"Please Antonio. It's me," she cried again, though even she couldn't understand the words coming from her mouth. _He can't even see me, _she realized. _I just have to make him realize who he is. He just needs to remember. _With an unknown burst of strength, Lovina pushed off of the ground, grasping the rapier tighter in her left hand. The axe head sank into the muck behind her as she darted forwards, slashing out wildly with her blade. It caught Antonio across the cheek, only a passing glance, before she fell away out of range. He prized his axe out of the ground with a squelch and sent the muck flying with a flick of the handle. Blood wept down his face in a long jagged line. Lovina watched, unable to move, gasping for ragged breath, as his tongue darted out, smearing blood across his mouth. A slow smile spread across his face, like a cut ripping over stretched skin. His eyes were feverish in bruised sockets. A manic laugh ripped from his throat, barely even human. He brought the axe blade over his head again, but sent the butt end slamming into her chest. She felt herself collapse, too tired to try and run. Her body folded in on itself, slamming into the ankle-deep mud.

She was met by a sharp boot to her chest sending her sprawling onto her back, her rapier trampled into the mud. She was gasping for each breath, tasting the iron tang of blood at the back of her throat, fighting to keep her vision straight. A hand grasped her collar in iron fingers, twisting it about her neck as it dragged her to her feet. Suddenly she was staring into his eyes again, terrifyingly bright behind a mask of blood and sweat._ I just have to find him in there somewhere_. His mouth was set in a victorious snarl as he lifted her with one hand to eye-height, her feet dangling a few inches from the ground. Lovina clawed halfheartedly at his red coat, fingers catching on the brass buttons, but slipping harmlessly off. Her mouth opened and closed, but nothing was coming out. Her collar wrapped tight enough about her neck to draw blood, bright red against her pale skin. With his other hand, Antonio pressed the eight inch spike of his halberd to her chest. Lovina's heart raced, but she smiled, managing to swallow a meager breath of air. Somehow her hand found its way to his face, brushing away the hair that was matted down with blood and sweat. She wrapped her fingers in his hair, tethering herself to him.

"Ti amo," she whispered with her exhale, tears streaking her cheeks. _Forgive me, Antonio_.

With a final exertion of strength, she pressed herself to his face, feeling the sharp pain of the spike biting into her breast. She could taste blood on his lips, though whether it was his or hers she couldn't tell. Her tongue found its way into his mouth and she felt his whole body slacken. The feral pleasure left his eyes, replaced by terrified shock. His grip about her neck released and she fell away from his face.

"Lovina?" he gasped, after their lips parted. He dropped to his knees, held up only by one hand around his halberd. She was gasping for breath on the ground, chest heaving like a fallen bird, one arm outstretched. A finger of blood crept from her mouth down the side of her face. "Lovina," he screamed louder. He lifted her head with a shaking hand, throwing the bloody halberd to the ground, and pressed her to his chest. "Oh God, Lovina. What have I done?" Leaning against him, she pressed one hand against her chest, blood already welling up on her fingertips, and wrapped the other about his neck. She rested her head against the crook of his neck, the little curl on the top of her head raising goosebumps as it brushed his cheek. "It's all my fault. I was supposed to keep you safe. What have I done? What have I done?" He brushed a stray hair from the side of her face and she leaned back to look at him. A small smile played at the corners of her mouth, her olive eyes rimmed in bright tears.

"Stop saying that, you idiot." She caught his hand with hers, and held it there, pressed to her face.

"I just wanted to protect you when I should have just left. I just wanted to be stronger, so you'd never have to cry again. But all I ever do is make you cry harder." He brushed tears lightly from her cheek with the back of his hand, only succeeding in smearing blood across her face. He pulled his hand away. "Everything I do just hurts you more."

"No, Antonio." She wrapped her hand around his, relaxing the balled fist and lacing her fingers through his. Her hand was still so small. "You set me free. After Rome left, I couldn't feel anything at all. You taught me how to cry, and how to laugh. You taught me to live again." The smile broke out on her face. The hand she had pressed to her chest brushed at his face, leaving behind weeping red lines.

"Why are you smiling? How can you smile now, Lovina, after all I've done to you?"

"You've taken my heart Antonio. You've kept it safe and tried to mend its wings. You taught me to fly. Now you need to set me free. You need to let go. You saved me from the darkness of night, and now it's my turn. You don't have to fight anymore. Ti amo. Ti amerò per sempre." The hand cupping his face drifted slowly back to her lap, leaving behind the brush of phantom fingers. Her eyes closed, shutting out the glow of warm green.

Antonio leaned forward, folding both of her hands in his own. Before, his whole body had been shaking, but now he was calm. Around him the world was silent; the only things watching were glassy eyes and carrion crows. The setting sun threw the world into sharp red focus. He leaned forward, kissing her closed eyes, her parted mouth, but all he could taste was the salt of blood and tears.


End file.
